I’ve blogged regularly since I started years and years ago, changing site every couple of years. But I have to admit that it’s been a while since I’ve blogged properly. It’s sort of half-hearted these days. I click publish with this already deflated feeling, knowing that what I’ve managed to produce isn’t as good as I’d like it to be. Knowing that it isn’t as good as hers or his. There’s this standard that I hold myself to, knowing that I can be so much better but often giving up because it actually takes time and effort to get there.
I write and I write but I don’t actually click publish as much as I could, as much as I should. I fill my time with things that don’t mean as much to me, so that I can use the excuse of not having enough time. I’m pretty good at making these kinds of excuses. I have a version of the ideal me who gets home at 6pm and spends an hour or so each evening editing and clicking publish.
Right now, I’d be happy with the consistency of twice a week but I write so much that 3 or 4 wouldn’t be impossible.
All I’ve wanted as a writer/blogger is to create a space to express my thoughts on things that mean something to me. The majority of what I write about is self-expression, thinking, learning and growing. I have so many pieces planned/half-written that I’m proud of but they’ve never seen the light of day.
I often battle with seeing the end goal and just wanting to get there now, immediately without all the work that comes with it. When I do aim to do the work to get where I want to be it lacks real gusto and dedication. I think it’s partly down to matters of the lizard brain because I have this real resistance surrounding completing anything that I start. ‘It’s not ready yet, I don’t have the right pictures, it’s probably not even that good. Making excuses is easy, clicking publish is hard.
It’s really complex or maybe not that complex at all. We tell ourselves lies or stories about why we can’t get things done and we believe them.
We believe our beliefs are real which makes them really hard to change.
BE BRILLIANT EVERYDAY
I don’t have the right resources, no one will read it, I’ll do it tomorrow instead. If only we could change these internal thoughts. I’m in the process of trying to figure it out ‘What is the difference between the person with consistency and the person without?’ I recently read somewhere that it’s about commitment. Commitment is defined as ‘the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.’ And so I have to ask myself the question ‘Am i committed to blogging?’ I could answer this question in 101 ways but the short answer is no! I am not committed to blogging and I haven’t been for a while now.
I often get lost in thinking a new blog name, header or theme will result in the return of my zest for blogging but alas my efforts fall short. I think I stopped blogging properly because I fell into the trap of focusing on the noise around me. I lost my desire to commit along with the love I once had for blogging.
Focusing on the noise made me anxious, fearful and reluctant. I learnt to resist against the thing that brought me joy.
So now I’m figuring out what next, what now?
Have you ever lost your zest for something you once enjoyed?