Preface: I wrote this post a couple of months ago and have only recently gotten round to editing it. It’s not a reflection of where I’m currently at with my job but I thought it was still worth sharing as it expresses how I felt at the time. Once I reach 1 year at my job, I’ll be doing another post like this and I think it’ll be nice to see how things have changed.
I can still remember the beginning walking into a new space full of strangers, sat at desks staring at screens tapping away. I looked at them like they were so different from me yet I had worked for years to become just like them.
I remember being introduced to my team and thinking ‘How will I ever get used to this, how will I find myself at ease with these people so different from me?’.
I can remember being introduced to the work, having someone sit next to me and explain what we do as a team and I just sat and listened. Despite my best efforts to understand, the words just sort of hung in the air and I gazed off into the distance trying to make sense of it all but the words just sorted of dissipated into the atmosphere.
I remember some time in October or maybe at the end of September, one morning where I sat feeling at my desk feeling anxious with the internal panic siren going off in my head. I never really took the time to deal with what was happening straight away but for a while I had a lot of anxiety about my job.
It was the early mornings, feeling like a misfit, feeling like I had nothing to offer, being tired in the afternoon, not having a work friend and worrying that I’d made a mistake choosing to take the job in the first place.
It was a lot to deal with whilst still having to spend 40 hours in the office every week. I knew that it would take me a while to adjust because that’s how it’s often been in the past but there were times when I genuinely thought I would never settle.
6 months after starting, I’d be lying if I said that that I’m now this super chilled trainee technician who does small talk with the best of them. I actually do small talk with the worst of them which is why I’m the quietest person on my team.
But I like the work and some days that feels like my only saving grace.
I can comfortably sit at my desk and do the research for all my tasks. I ask questions when I need to and my colleagues are helpful and easy going. I’m not the chattiest but I don’t think I need to be. I go to work to learn and improve, everything else is secondary. I’m more focused on trying to do my job well rather than discussing my personal life as I’m quite a private person.
Maybe, it’s strange that I sort of like being a cog in a machine, doing my bit to support the bigger picture.
Some days I go into work and think back to a few years prior when I walked around the office of a civil engineering consultancy and saw people sat at their computers with 2 monitors. At the time it didn’t even cross my mind that one day I’d be the person sat in the office that a kid with engineering aspirations would walk past.
That is what they call coming round full circle and I think it’s pretty cool.